Harry Potter and the Shag Quest
by calamari-lover
Summary: Harry Potter embarks on a dangerous quest to find the shag of his life. Love, love, love, love, love, etc., is all you need.


Once upon a time, in a castle far, far away, Harry Potter was running down the corridor, racing to get to Charms on time.  
  
He flung the door open with a bang. Everyone gasped at his dishevled apperance.  
  
Professor McGonagall gave him a stern look. "Mr. Potter, I hope that you have a good excuse for being late, even though I teach Transfiguration." she said.  
  
"Er, um.." Harry stammered. He couldn't exactly tell her where he'd been.  
  
You see, Harry was secretly involved in a torrid affair with one Ginny Weasley. No one knew, not even Ron and Hermione. They had been seeing each other for a year now, and things were getting...well, hot and heavy, to be frank.  
  
As Professor McGonagall had resumed teaching, Harry gave up trying to find words and slid into a seat next to Ron, who was busy trying to shove his tongue down Hermione's throat without getting them caught by Professor McGonagall.  
  
Ron turned to him and asked, "Really, where have you been? You look like a mess."  
  
"Er, um..." Harry said again. He was truly winning points in the articulate department today.  
  
Ron decided to let it go and resumed the act of shoving his tongue down his best friend's throat. Hermione, meanwhile, was attempting to multitask, making out and taking notes simultaneously.  
  
Harry did his best to ignore them and concentrate on the lesson. How much longer could he keep this up, he wondered? He hadn't seen Ginny in over five minutes. And now he was all hot for her.  
  
***  
  
Harry didn't see Ginny again until dinner. She was sitting at the Gryffindor table with Colin Creevey. Immediately, Harry went on alert. Was the snog of his life cheating on him? After all, everyone knew that Colin had the hots for his girlfriend.  
  
He rolled up the sleeves of his robes, forgetting about the lookers-on, and marched over to the two younger students. There was murder in his eyes and lust in his heart and quidditch on his mind. He marched right up to Ginny.  
  
Before he could say anything, though, Ginny turned around. When she raised those brown eyes to his, he felt the green of his own melt like pickled toad on high heat.  
  
Without words, he grabbed her wrists, pulled her to standing and shoved her against the table, kissing her as though she contained the last pure oxygen on the planet and he had to dive for it.  
  
He didn't notice drop in air pressure as the entire Great Hall gasped, and then a great "Awww!" sounded throughout the room as the lovers continued to love against the table. Before they could get too far, though, Ron ran up. He grabbed Harry by the shoulders, pulled him away from Ginny, and placed a swift smack on his jaw.  
  
"What the bloody hell are you doing snogging my sister, mate?" But Ginny stalwartly stood between her man and her brother, shielding Harry with her firm body pressed against his front.  
  
"Ron, I love Harry, you'll just have to accept that!!" Harry was having a more difficult time with the part of him pressing into Ginny's bottom.  
  
"Wait a minute," Harry, stuttered. "You're in *love* with me?" he asked incredulously. "But I thought we were just snog buddies?"  
  
"What do you think, darling, I was just snogging you for fun? Ours is a love too deep to be that superficial." Then the Great Hall went silent once more. "What are you saying, Harry?" she asked, her lip quivering and huge tears filling her eyelids.  
  
Hermione had pulled Ron back to the Gryffindor table and was comforting him the best way she knew.  
  
"Ginny...er... I thought we were just out for the experience, not to find life partners."  
  
"But, I thought we were going to have many babies?" Harry choked, gasped and nearly dropped to the ground. He quickly realized that if he kept going on this thread, he'd never get any. Suddenly, he noticed the hundreds of eyes fixed on him, including Moody's magical one. Even the teachers were watching.  
  
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione's snog session had turned into another one of their violent arguments.  
  
Granted, he wouldn't mind the trying part... It was the prospect of being successful that scared the shit out of him.  
  
But then, he had a GREAT idea. One of those ideas that comes along once in a blue moon, one that just falls out of the sky and knocks you unconscious.  
  
"Of course, I do, Ginny," he said with a charming smile. "How could I not want to with a wonderful girl like you?" And with that, he kissed her soundly.  
  
Another chorus of "Aww"s rang throughout the room. Snape gave Flitwick five galleons. Ron and Hermione were too busy snogging and fighting at the same time, saying ow's as they slapped each other silly as Ron was already accustomed to multi-tasking as well.  
  
And in the midst of the kiss, Harry made a mental note to speak to Hermione as soon as this oh-so-touching scene was over and tell her that it was over between them  
  
Then, as sudden as anything else, Hermione slapped Ron hard across his face, making him cry like a girl.  
  
***  
  
Dinner ended soon thereafter. How could anyone think of eating when One Big Happy Weasley Family was coming together right before their eyes? Harry's heart was overflowing with joy. It was as if the moons and planets had finally aligned and all was finally right with the world. He was going to have babies with her, and they'll live happily ever after at the burrow  
  
In the common room, Ginny settled down to do her homework, for as you know, she was a highly intelligent student, rivaling Hermione, even!  
  
Harry quietly detached himself from her and looked around for Hermione. He found her at her usual spot in the library, the one place where Ron usually refused to follow her, reading Hogwarts, A History and doodling little hearts around Ron's name in the margin of her parchment. For they were in love, utter lifetime long love. She even wrote her name as Hermione Weasley. She would love nothing more than be his bride before they were twenty-one and give him as many red-headed babies as possible. Hermione thought she should bag her husband before she reached that dastardly age.  
  
Harry had to clear his throat three times before she looked up.  
  
"Oh, Harry, I didn't notice you there!" she said, her face turing bright red as she slammed her book shut. Her face was nearly the color of Ron's hair,  
  
"I need your help" he said, sitting beside her.  
  
"What's wrong, Harry?"  
  
"Er, um..." he said, for the third time that day. His vocabulary was at an all time low today.  
  
"Do you know anything about, erm, wizard birth control?"  
  
"A little bit, but I want to have lots and lots of babies with Ron! So it's not really an issue."  
  
His face fell. "But I'm not ready for fatherhood, Hermione"  
  
"But I might be able to help you."  
  
He perked up. "Really, Hermione? Oh, but you have to promise - you can't tell Ginny I asked you about this."  
  
"Of course not Harry. What are friends for?"  
  
"She wants to have lots of babies, and I just want sex."  
  
"So I assume you're looking for something that you can do that she won't know about, then?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Yes," he sighed in great relief. Hermione always knew just what he was thinking.  
  
Hermione smiled. "I know just the book."  
  
"Book?" Harry gasped, wondering where he'd have to put the book.  
  
She got up and returned in a moment with the volume: "Wizards Wary of Wizardlets and Witchlets." "I know I saw something in here for your situation," she said, flipping through the pages smudged from frequent use.  
  
Harry glanced over her shoulder at the various charms and spells. Some of them looked downright dangerous. And he didn't even want to *think* about what that picture was showing!  
  
"Aha, here it is!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
Harry sighed in relief. Harry glanced over her shoulder and nearly gasped. "I'm not doing *that*, Hermione."  
  
"Whatever, Daddy. I'm just trying to help."  
  
Harry sighed again. "All right, Hermione, tell me what to do."  
  
"Well, it'd be easier if I showed you. You have always been bad at new spells."  
  
"Hermione!"  
  
"What? Do you want to do this or not?"  
  
Harry once again sighed. "Fine." He huffed again, then began unbuckling his trousers.  
  
"Not here, idiot!"  
  
"You're right," he blushed, "but where?"  
  
She grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the library, down the corridor, up the stairs, down another corridor, and into a familiar bathroom.  
  
"Get out Myrtle," Harry spat. The ghost looked shocked.  
  
"Harry, what are you doing here? And why are your pants unzipped?"  
  
"Get out, Myrtle," Harry repeated.  
  
Myrtle huffed. "Not until you tell me why!"  
  
"If you must know," Hermione interrupted.  
  
Harry cut her off and tried a different tactic. "Myrtle," he said sweetly, "It would really mean a lot to me if you could just, er, um...let us use your bathroom for a little while."  
  
"So you can shag like rabbits?" she snapped.  
  
"Yes," Hermione improvised, knowing that was the best way to get Myrtle out of the way. But Myrtle wasn't satisfied.  
  
"You're not exactly particular, are you," Myrtle snapped. "First the red- head and now Harry," she moaned.  
  
Hermione looked like she was about to explode. Harry was looking strangely at her. It was a very attractive look on her, really. No wonder Ron was always instigating those fights. She looked hot when she was angry.  
  
Then she regained her calm and said, "You know, Myrtle, I was talking to the Squid the other day, and he talked an *awful* lot about you."  
  
Myrtle stopped moaning. "He - he did?"  
  
If Harry didn't know better, he'd swear that Myrtle was blushing  
  
"Yes," Hermione said with a trace of smugness. "He said you looked pretty underwater."  
  
Hermione elbowed Harry.  
  
"Oh, yeah, lots and lots, " he added. "He loved how the current just flowed right through you"  
  
Now Harry was almost certain she was blushing.  
  
"I guess you can use it...for a little bit." Myrtle said, eyeing the toilet before she flushed herself down it.  
  
"Finally!" Hermione said. "Now then," Hermione said, turning back to Harry. "Let's get onto business."  
  
Hermione pointed her wand and Harry's pants fell around his ankles a second later.  
  
"Um, Hermione, are you sure about this? I mean, you and Ron..."  
  
Hermione waved her hand. "Oh, don't worry about that. Ron will understand. I think he's shagging Justin Finch-Fletchly behind my back anyway, so we're even."  
  
"Ron... and ... JUSTIN?! Justin and Ron?" Harry sounded both aghast and intrigued. "You mean, they, they, well..." Harry stuttered. "How do you know?"  
  
"Well, I'm not positive, but...I got a fairly big hint when I woke Ron up one night when he was screaming "Oh, yes Justin! And haven't you ever noticed the way he walks after Herbology? Shall we carry on, then?" asked Hermione.  
  
"What do I do?" Harry asked, a tremor of fear in his voice.  
  
"Just stand still Harry."  
  
Hermione cleared her throat and pointed her wand. "Ex Mobilius Spermus!"  
  
Harry felt a slight tingling, a little lift, then nothing. "That's it? The picture made it look so much worse. But how do we know it worked?"  
  
"Well, you could, you know," Hermione's face reddened.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You know!"  
  
Harry stared at her blankly; Harry reddened as well. "What? Now?"  
  
"Yes, now! You were the one who wanted to test it."  
  
"Will you at least turn around? I'm shy."  
  
Hermione tutted, but did as he asked. She turned around and looked at the mirror. For Hermione was much brighter than our bumbling hero.  
  
Suddenly, they heard screaming out in the corridor; it sounded like Ron and Justin. But it wasn't a scream of fear or surprise - it was one of passion and pleasure and pain.  
  
Harry quickly pulled his pants back up. The door burst open, and a lanky redheaded figure fell into the room, because Justin had fallen directly on top of him.  
  
The two didn't even notice the presence of Harry and Hermione. They were too busy trying to kiss each other sensless and groping at each other every place they could.  
  
"Oh Justin!" "Oh, Ron!" they were yelling, loud enough for the entire castle to hear; even the basilisk in the chamber of secrets heard them, as it had raised him from the dead.  
  
"Ron, you are the hottest man I've ever had sex with!!!!" Justing screamed at the top of his lungs. "I'll never love a woman again! You're the only one for me!"  
  
Hermione cleared her throat in an exaggerated manner to try and get the attention of the two humping lovers, but it seemed that nothing could get in the way of their passion. Except *Confundus Erectus,* which Hermione had yelled at the two. Now that their noodles were limp, they both turned angry gazes up at Hermione.  
  
"What'd you do that for?" Justin moaned. Meanwhile, Ron was looking extremely guilty.  
  
"I was *trying* to get your attention!" Hermione screamed.  
  
"You've got it, now fix this!" Justin yelled back  
  
Harry snickered. "Seems like she already did."  
  
"I can't. The spell has to wear off on its own!"  
  
"How long?" Justin asked angrily.  
  
Ron's face reddened. "Justin, you *know*, you've measured - "  
  
"Not long enough."  
  
"Sorry Justin but I Iost my sail just as the wind had picked up." Ron apologized.  
  
Harry wisely decided not to ask.  
  
"As touching as this is, could you two please clear out?" Hermione said impatiently.  
  
Ron's eyes narrowed. "Why?"  
  
"We have business to do," Hermione said nonchalantly  
  
"*What* business?"  
  
"Nothing that concerns *you*," she retorted. "And your new boyfriend."  
  
"We're not staying where we're not wanted." Justin answered snottily. He hissed and pawed the air like Crookshanks in the presence of Scabbers.  
  
"Um, Hermione," Harry started, not wanting to cause yet another fight between his best friends, who were so obviously destined for one another.  
  
But Ron and Hermione didn't listen, and soon they were at it once again. This was a blessing in disguise though. Harry sighed, knowing, that since their arguing was a sign of their true love for one another, what this would lead to. He snuck quietly out the door.  
  
Justin was still sobbing on the floor, trying to cling to Ron.  
  
Ron and Hermione soon found themselves snogging soon after as predicted, ignoring the sobbing Justin.  
  
Harry almost felt bad for Justin. Almost. But right now, he really couldn't be bothered. There were more important things waiting for him in Gryffindor Tower. Like Ginny. The one and only true future shag of his life.  
  
He found her right where he left her, diligently working on homework with that sweet and oh-so-tantalizing smile on her face. He couldn't help himself, as he was overcome with lust. She looked irresistible with her innocent domesticated look, like a tame blast-ended skrewt, and he had to have her right then.  
  
"Accio, Firebolt!" he cried. The Gryffindors looked up in surprise.  
  
"Harry, what's going on?" Ginny queried.  
  
Dean got thwacked by the flying Firebolt  
  
The broomstick came zooming into his hand, while Seamus ran over to check on Dean.  
  
"You and I are going out," he replied.  
  
She blushed, in a cute-but-sexy way. "Out? But! I have a class tomorrow!"  
  
"It's okay. I'll take care of it," Harry reassured her. "Come on, Gin, live a little," he said with a dashing grin.  
  
He pulled her to him and mounted the broom, pulling her on in front of him. Ginny was amazed, but turned on by Harry's take-charge manliness. She eagerly pressed herself against his back. Without another word, they flew out the window and up to the highest tower of the castle - the Astronomy Tower.  
  
"Oh, this is so romantic Harry! But why have you brought me here?"  
  
Harry conjured up a pile of fluffy blankets and cushions. "So I can prove my undying devotion to you by shagging you rotten! I want to have babies with you."  
  
Ginny gasped. "You - you do? But from what you said at dinner, I thought-"  
  
"No, Ginny, you thought wrong. Don't you see? Ron and Hermione are meant to be, and it's only logical that I should then hook up with you, you who have worshipped me since you were 10, before you even knew that boys were the opposite sex."  
  
"Oh, never mind that! I know that our babies will be so cute! And I've already got the names picked out, too!"  
  
"Great, let's get it on then!"  
  
Ginny didn't get any more words out, for Harry had furiously attacked her with his mouth. Her clothes were already falling by the wayside as Harry lustfully ripped them off her.  
  
"Oh, Harry!" she cried.  
  
He didn't respond in his unbridled passion.  
  
"Harry, wait!"  
  
"What? Why? Don't you want to shag me and make all kinds of beautiful babies?"  
  
"I do, but...I don't know...do you really think we're ready for this?"  
  
Harry sighed. He would never understand women. Perhaps if Justin was still free..."Just take me now or forever hold your peace!"  
  
Ginny continued. "What about my father? Shouldn't you ask his blessing first?"  
  
"Do you want to shag me or not?"  
  
"Harry, you have to understand. When we shag, I want it to be the greatest shag of my life. I want it to end all other shags for me. So before that, I have to get all my fantasy shags out of the way."  
  
Harry looked at her oddly. "So...what are you saying? You've shagged other guys?"  
  
"Well, no, but...see, I've always had this fantasy about..."  
  
"About...?" he prompted.  
  
"Tentacles."  
  
Harry felt like he was going to be sick.  
  
"T-tentacles?" he repeated.  
  
Ginny sighed. "Yes. Not to mention the fact that I also need to shag a pale Slytherin..."  
  
"Malfoy?" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Well, you have to admit, the man is a sex god." She blushed. "But after that, I'm all yours, my love!"  
  
"So can I take care of *my* fantasies too, then?" Harry asked.  
  
Ginny gasped in shock. Her eyes narrowed. "Harry Potter, how dare you even think of such a thing! I'm to be your only one!"  
  
She then smiled, and pecked him on the cheek. "Don't worry, Harry. I'm sure our time together will be better than any fantasy!" And with that, Harry's One True Lust mounted his Firebolt and flew off. Right as she got over the lake, she dropped off his Firebolt, and into the waiting tentacles of the Giant Squid. A moaning wail could be heard above all the splashing. Harry guessed that Ron and Hermione would soon be looking for another place to - er - argue. Poor Myrtle.  
  
Harry sighed forlornly, then looked at his hand. "Ah well, if I can't actually do it, I can at least fantasize," he thought to himself. "Now who to think about...? Justin did look pretty hot back in the bathroom."  
  
Harry left the Tower with a spring in his step and lust in his heart.  
  
He was about to round the corner to the bathroom corridor, when he heard a muffled sound. Curiosity piqued, he followed the noise to investigate. It was coming from the storage closet. He couldn't quite make it out. *What the hell,* he thought, and flung open the door. When he saw who was inside, he gasped and sputtered, much like a Ford Anglia on its last flight.  
  
"Justin! Malfoy!"  
  
"Don't forget the candlestick," Malfoy drawled.  
  
The boys stood staring at each other for a minute before Justin said, "Er, Harry, are you in or out? It's too cold in here to leave the door open,"  
  
"In!"  
  
"But Justin," Draco whinged, "how will Severus fit when he gets here?"  
  
By this point, Harry had had enough. He couldn't contain his lustful desires any longer. He stepped into the closet and shut the door behind him.  
  
~~25 minutes later~~  
  
Draco and Justin lay collapsed on the closet floor.  
  
Harry smiled brightly. "My turn, right? That looked like so much fun and so hot I've got to try it!"  
  
J  
  
ustin and Draco looked at him briefly, then exchanged a much more intense look of their own.  
  
"We don't think so, Potter," Malfoy drawled. "Our passion will only go to each other."  
  
"But what about Professor Snape?" Harry asked desperately.  
  
Malfoy grinned dreamily. "Severus is different..."  
  
"What does he have that I don't?"  
  
"It's that whole authority thing," Justin replied.  
  
Harry sighed. He could not believe this day was happening to him.  
  
"All right, fine, I'm leaving," he groaned, rising and maneuvering his way over the fallen bodies to the door.  
  
The door suddenly opened.  
  
"Professor Snape!"  
  
Snape glanced down at him and raised an eyebrow. "Are you joining us, Potter?"  
  
"Er, um..."  
  
"He's not allowed to, Severus," Malfoy said with a suggestive gleam in his eye.  
  
And with that, Harry shot out the door. As he raced down the hall, there was still lust in his heart.  
  
"Why couldn't I be known as the Boy Who Shagged instead?" 


End file.
